Resolving family conflict is often a difficult task—especially a conflict between adults. Sometimes it’s easier to just ignore the problem. “We only see Aunt Mary once a year.” But you’ll have to deal with her rude remarks every Christmas until she dies. And surely you don’t wish her a short life, do you? Don’t answer too quickly.

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Why not go ahead and deal with it? If there’s one group of people you should be able to feel comfortable with it’s your family.

1. Get to the Root of the Conflict
Family conflict can start with an overheard conversation. “Jessica’s a terrible cook. I just hope she treats my brother better in bed than she treats him at the dinner table.” (Laughter)

You told yourself at that moment you would never forget what your sister-in-law said about you. You hate her, and you’ll never forgive her. And you’re making yourself miserable.

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2. Release the Hatred
But your hatred is not hurting her. She doesn’t know you overheard what she said, and probably doesn’t even remember saying it. By holding the grudge, you’re only hurting yourself. It’s probably eating you up inside. Release the hatred. Do it for yourself.

Sure, what you’d really like to do is confront her. “I heard what you said about me, you %@#&! What do you know about cooking? You think you’re Rachael Frigging Ray!? And, believe me, you have no idea what I do with your brother when we’re in bed. If I told you, your head would catch on fire.”

Then what? She yells back at you. A huge fight erupts. Other family members join in, taking sides.

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Congratulations. You’ve turned your sister-in-law’s foolish offhand remarks into a full-fledged family feud. Is that what you really want?

3. Forgive
Forgive her and move on. It’s not fair, since you didn’t do anything wrong. But you only have three choices:
(1) Confront her, or tell somebody else what she said, which will ultimately lead to a confrontation.
(2) Keep it to yourself, but don’t forgive her. Jam it into your heart with all the other wrongs you’ve endured. Sooner or later you’ll have no heart. You’ll just have a chest full of hatred.

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(3) Forgive and forget. And don’t say to yourself, “Well, I’ll forgive her, but I’ll never forget what she said.” I hate to break it to you, but that is not forgiveness.

When you heard the snide remark, you could have dismissed it immediately as something that wasn’t true and shouldn’t have been said. Sure, it hurt you even more when you heard the others laughing. But if you’re honest you’ll admit that if you’d been in their shoes you might have laughed too. It was funny.

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It takes strength to put it out of your mind. To forgive and forget. But you might as well. You’re going to do it eventually…or let it ruin your health. Save yourself the angst.

4. Apologize
What if you’re the one who did or said something ugly or hateful? Then go apologize. Don’t put it off. Things will only get worse if you wait. But be sincere. It’s not an apology unless you’re truly sorry.

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An apology clears the way for a fresh start. But whatever you did that was offensive—don’t do it again. An apology is a powerful thing. But the power fades with repetition.

What if your apology is rejected? If you’ve done all you can do to make it right, then just move on. “Go, and sin no more.”

5. Empathize
Okay. You’ve decided to forgive her. But why did she say those ugly things about you? What is her problem? Is she just plain mean? Does she do it to get laughs? Maybe she’s struggling with her own issues.

Make an effort to find out. You don’t have to become her best friend. But if you could get her to open up about her problems, maybe you could help her in some way—if only by being a good listener. And she’d be less likely to speak badly of her new friend.

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6. Teflon-ize
For whatever reason some people just don’t like you. And there may be nothing you can do about it. They’ll probably continue to disrespect you. And eventually you’ll realize that you’re wasting your time worrying about it. So don’t.

The bottom line is that nobody can hurt your feelings unless you allow it. Protect yourself with an imaginary coating of Teflon. (It keeps food from sticking to your pots and pans, right?) Then those hurtful comments will simply roll off your back, leaving you unscathed.

And when she realizes her remarks no longer upset you, she might quit. But even if she doesn’t, you’ll be okay. She can’t hurt you anymore.

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7. Love
But if you really want to take control, you will use the most powerful tool at your disposal: LOVE.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love is all you need. Right. But it really is.

Many years ago I read Og Mandino’s little book, “The Greatest Secret in the World.” In it, Mr. Mandino tells you that if you really want to be happy and successful, you must greet each day with love in your heart.

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It means that you must learn to love everyone—to truly love them. And when they see your love and feel your love, they will not be able to resist you. Because they will know in their hearts that your love is real. And that if your love for them is real, you will only want what is best for them.

How can they reject you? How can they turn away your love? It will be very difficult—once they realize you are for real.

So, let’s apply this principle to the conflict with your sister-in-law. How can she go on hating you or being mean to you when she knows you love her so completely?

But you can’t fake it. It’s got to be real love.

And just think—if we all could learn to love each other this way, it would change the world.

So, let’s get it started. Let it begin with you and me.